My Life Turned Around:

Words and Steely Knives

Have you heard:

“And they will defile My secret place; For robbers shall enter it and defile it.”

                                                                                                                        Ezekiel 7: 22

These steely knives meant to slice through the anger of the spoken word, vehement by nature as on a cutting board of hardened bamboo and the severity of salt inflicted upon these fleshly wounds? I remain tortured from the hidden bones of yesteryears. These bones broken of sticks and stones where words continue to traumatize me. Throughout all my sensitivities I lay dormant as a fish out of water. The perpetuation of anger rises through this global community of sacrifices known now by all mankind. I weep. I continue within my trail of tears and fears throughout this valley of injury. Pain becomes a nightly visitor. Days, too. I cry into the fiery dawn of burnt-orange skies and into the netherworld of far-a-way dreams. Dreams that never were except through the damaged memories of a child neglected by his peers. Vehemence you say? Violence, per se? well the challenge of the day has been to survive the selfish and careless acts of others. Yet, to be able to sludge onward despite their desolate means that slice through the anger of the spoken word, shameful by nature, as on a cutting board of hardened bamboo and the severity of salt inflicted upon these fleshly wounds.

Turning it around Within my Own Mind:

We must choose to live by our God and his timing, but this can be a difficult thing. I know from this violent past the transformation is a beautiful thing. Initially, as I begin to ponder, I know my thoughts that I think essentially are meant to be nothing. My thoughts can only harm me when I judge others or myself. To lay in judgement it seems is to judge my very essence of who I am. Judgement is a very dangerous thing, and yet, the thought of it means nothing.

Lately, I fear, of also which is rivalry with God, and (futile), my hollow and empty thoughts are pointless. A digging downward into an empty pit of nothingness demonstrating a world of vanity. I become agitated by a world I recognize as pointless and vain. However, the goodness of it all lay in the truth that has been set before us. To engage in a world that we see as worthless confines us to a rivalry, opposition, and perpetual struggle with God. As Jacob wrestled with the angel we also, wrestle with God through our thoughts. These thoughts are thus transformed into fear. Fear controls us. And then we become lost for everything God created is good. Therefore, the fear we live with is a measure of our own minds, and therefore, lay the enmity.

My thoughts are a funny thing (not to be construed as humorous). Everything witnessed by me shall be truth or illusion. I have come to know illusion rather well. But this too is vain thinking. “Thoughts that are true create their own likeness. Those that are false make theirs.” [1] One point that hashelped facilitate healing has been I have been determined to search out truth throughout a forty – year drought. For me, this is the only way. Many truths I’ve experienced have enlightened me. Many illusions I succumbed to destroyed me. All in all, the healing faith of the words ‘I Believe’ has sustained me. Mercy has guided me. Once I became infused within the depths of Mercy, I discovered more than I could share. As I began to write spiritual dictations in poetics I learned. I was aware of more than I could imagine. Faith healed me. Obedience set me upon a new path. I not only survived but have thrived. God is Goodness himself. This I discovered to be truth. Any thoughts aside from this truth is illusion and therefore does not exist for illusion is not of God. God did not create an illusory world.

In summation, I conclude belief in a God of Love and Mercy is all I require to defeat all my fears, rampant and ruminating thoughts, actions, and a delusional thought system. And, for me, this is what my life has rendered me: to desire to know God on a personal and humanistic level demonstrating he is Real. Real enough to reach out and hold onto my left shoulder to keep me from jumping over the edge onto the face of razors. I made it through the storms. Thank and praise God Almighty I made it through the storms. My hopes are that I have helped someone escape the dangers of illusive thinking.

If you require support, please call the Suicide Prevention Line at 1–800–273–8255.

[1] A Course in Miracles. Foundation for Inner Peace. Third Edition, 2007. Mill Valley. Print.

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