40 Days Plus

John Evans © 2019

The wilderness awaits my tentative presence. I am here. A reflective tenure. One minute before midnight. The room is black. Quiet pervades. I am still. The Word is near. Truth.

  • John Evans © 2019

Three Days to Wait, Ponder, Deliberate: Sunday – 3rd of March 2019 nearing 5:00 p.m.

My power drops to my knees. An easterly wind in the high mountain desert air as daytime leaves. Falling, dropping, body begins to slump down to the ground. Through my failings I breathe my last breath a slave. Breathing in I. Breathing out Am. Heart pounding. Beating to a quarterly sound. This shrub I have struggled to remove from the earth twenty years past has pained me to the brink of exhaustion. Pained to the outer edge of surrender. A freefall. Abandoned between I and the greatest of I Am.

In all this time, have I changed? Am I worthy enough to be called beggar, or do I remain fixated on other gods? The gods from an earthly dimensional realm? The ones who loathe my coming and going? Shall I attempt to touch his cloak? His face? His shame? His homelessness?

Recalling the forty years of loneliness, but have I learned? Or, am I yet to learn? Still? Hungry in heart for the fiery breath of Sinai’s Lord, a mystery to all who search for depth that arrives within the heart who smiles while entombed in pain. I writhe, and I struggle, and I realize I is too much for me to handle. There is one greater than I, and it is He or She who I search for. When…is upon me. When…becomes Now. When…becomes relational.